Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1059

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.