Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1059
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.