Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.