Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.
Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.