Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

I lapsed into rude.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.