Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.