Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.

So, do you live around here often?

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, "There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms." Never got a dinner!

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.