Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and everything is possible. I literally could be talking about somebody I was hanging out with two seconds ago or something from the news. Literally, there's really no rhyme or reason for it. I want to be free flowing like that.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called "The Right Hand Stuff". I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.