Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.