Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.