Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.