Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.