Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.