Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.