Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.