Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.
If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.
When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.
Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.