Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...
I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.