Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

A place where we all go can’t be bad.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.