Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.