Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."