Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.