Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.