Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1067

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.