Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1067

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.