Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1067
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.