Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

I think; therefore I worry.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.