Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

I’m whitie and I apologize.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.