Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.