Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068
You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.
I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.