Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.