Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073
Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.
The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.