Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think; therefore I worry.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...