Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.