Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!