Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.