Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.
The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.