Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Can anyone lead us? Someone with integrity, truth, fire? Someone to create peace and unite us? God, I just described Bono and SpongeBob. We're fucked.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.