Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.