Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.