Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074
I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?