Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'