Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.