Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.