Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

What do atheists scream when they come?"

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.