Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?