Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.