Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.