Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called ‘Ample’. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S.

[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.

As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"