Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.