Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.