Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.