Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.