Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.