Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.