Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

He who hesitates is probably right.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.