Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.