Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.
That’s America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.