Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.