Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Next time there's a riot somewhere in the world, don't fire tear gas at people like they're animals, just release Mike Tyson from the back of a truck so he can walk amongst the crowd and watch people jump back and part like the Red Sea going, 'Holy shit! This has gotten out of hand...'
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.