Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.