Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.