Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

He who hesitates is probably right.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.