Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!