Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.