Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.