Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.