Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

I love Steven Wright.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.