Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.