Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I'm a mischievous drunk.

You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Most transvestites fancy girls.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.