Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.