Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?