Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great