Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.