Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"