Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?