Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".