Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.