Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.