Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I think; therefore I worry.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.