Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.