Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.