Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!