Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glowworm.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.