Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.