Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.