Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.