Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.