Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Most transvestites fancy girls.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.