Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...