Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.