Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.