Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?