Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

I'm really funny now.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?