Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.