Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.