Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.