Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

He who hesitates is probably right.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I want to start saying bad words all the time!