Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.