Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.