Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.