Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.