Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.