Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.