Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.