Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."