Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!