Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.