Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.