Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

How can there be self-help groups?

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.