Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.