Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.