Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

We women have to stick together.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."