Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.