Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.