Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.