Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.