Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."