Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.