Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.