Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

I love Steven Wright.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.