Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.