Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!