Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.