Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.