Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.