Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."