Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.