Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.