Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?