Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.