Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glowworm.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.