Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.