Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

Most transvestites fancy girls.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

This show is our own personal beliefs.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.