Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.