Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.