Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.