Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.