Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.