Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glowworm.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.