Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

18,873 quotes

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.