Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'