Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

Everything that people say is testable.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.