Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.