Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.