Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.