Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.