Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.