Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.