Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"