Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I’m whitie and I apologize.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.