Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.