Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.