Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.