Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."