Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.