Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.