Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

My foreign policy? Fuck you! My domestic policy, FUCK YOU!

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.