Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.