Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.