Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

A place where we all go can’t be bad.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.