Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.