Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.