Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.