Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"
We've heard they've had signs up about Cuero for the last three weeks, ... We're excited about playing this game but not to the point where we do not know what we're doing. We just have to go into the game with intensity and remain focused on our goal.