Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.