Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.