Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.