Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.