Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 109
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"
Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, "You're a credit to your rice." Never got a dinner!
I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here's a little tip. First, look surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: "Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!"
Today when kids receive their confirmations you have to give them a contract that you're going to buy them a car. I wanted a bicycle, and as I got a little order I was told Santa Claus might bring me a bicycle. Then one year my father borrowed a bicycle at Christmas, put it under the tree and I rode it all that day. The next day it wasn't there. "Where's my bicycle?" My father said, "Somebody stole it." Then I'd see an other kid on the street, and he'd have a bike. What I didn't know was that all the fathers were doing the same thing - the were all using one bicycle.
I write raps so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone. So I was writing the n-word in my iPhone and my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean niggardly?' And I was like, 'No iPhone. I meant nigger; write it.' But then, two weeks later, I was writing Jigga - which is the shortened form of Jay-Z. And my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean nigger?' And I went, 'Whoa, iPhone. You do not get to say that.'
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.