Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 109
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.
Pepper spray is a woman’s go-to weapon of choice, it even comes in different strengths in case you’re only semi-serious about not getting raped. If you were truly nervous about your safety, you’d carry a gun, not a spice. Bullets travel a lot faster than mist. What predator’s gonna wait while you rummage through your purse to find a tube of Tabasco sauce? You can’t even find your phone in there when it’s ringing and vibrating. Nothing’s more embarrassing than being the girl who always has pepper spray but never has to use it. May as well leave your weapons at home cause the cat knitted on your sweater does the job just fine.
I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.
It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”