Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 109
Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
Today when kids receive their confirmations you have to give them a contract that you're going to buy them a car. I wanted a bicycle, and as I got a little order I was told Santa Claus might bring me a bicycle. Then one year my father borrowed a bicycle at Christmas, put it under the tree and I rode it all that day. The next day it wasn't there. "Where's my bicycle?" My father said, "Somebody stole it." Then I'd see an other kid on the street, and he'd have a bike. What I didn't know was that all the fathers were doing the same thing - the were all using one bicycle.
Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, "You're a credit to your rice." Never got a dinner!
Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Fucking immigrants, all started with that Einstein... Once they brought him over from Germany and we didn't have any good genius jobs, it was a trickle-down effect.
That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.