Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 109
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
God inspired me, because I was blessed with the knowledge that I wanted to do this. And my mother supported it. She said, 'Whatever it is you want to do. If you believe acting or comedy is what you really want to do, I can only tell you it's not easy, it's very hard, but I'll support you.' Her supporting me enabled me to move forward.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.
People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.
My brother hates gay people - hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
You can't say minimum wage to people when they're asking you questions. "What are you making now?" "Minimum wage. Yeah. Lowest amount legally possible. Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. Oh, they'd like to pay me less. But they can't. Legally they can't. I win! I'm the winner!"
The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.
I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney on Broadway in "Sugar Babies." You understand?