Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 110
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!
God inspired me, because I was blessed with the knowledge that I wanted to do this. And my mother supported it. She said, 'Whatever it is you want to do. If you believe acting or comedy is what you really want to do, I can only tell you it's not easy, it's very hard, but I'll support you.' Her supporting me enabled me to move forward.
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
You get to a philosophy after a while that everything is sort of cycling in a way. You know I have a sort of capsulized philosophy that your success is so relative. When you’re a baby success is not wetting your bed. When you’re a teenager success is going all the way. When you’re a young man success is making money. When you are middle aged success is being happy. When you’re an old man success is going all the way. And when you’re really old it’s not wetting your bed.
If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
The truth is supposed to hurt. That's how it lets you know you don't got it.
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.
Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don’t the homeless just go out and get a job? If he’s wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don’t think he’s going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I’m pretty sure that McDonald’s has a no underwear over your pant policy.