Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 110
Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs. If we'd tried to milk another year out of the series, we'd have wound up with a pig.
If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s... because you are going to die alone.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.
The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
"We'll keep you in our thoughts" With the other bullshit in your heads? No, keep me out of your thoughts, because I hear some of the stuff you talk about and if that's close to what you're thinking about, I don't want to be around that, so keep me and my family out of your thoughts, unless you're thinking of making me a sandwich.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?'