Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 108
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, "You're a credit to your rice." Never got a dinner!
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
When they turn 26, women start asking really weird questions like, "Where are we? Where are we?" Bitch, we at Red Lobster. Why you tripping?
People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.
Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher.
Pepper spray is a woman’s go-to weapon of choice, it even comes in different strengths in case you’re only semi-serious about not getting raped. If you were truly nervous about your safety, you’d carry a gun, not a spice. Bullets travel a lot faster than mist. What predator’s gonna wait while you rummage through your purse to find a tube of Tabasco sauce? You can’t even find your phone in there when it’s ringing and vibrating. Nothing’s more embarrassing than being the girl who always has pepper spray but never has to use it. May as well leave your weapons at home cause the cat knitted on your sweater does the job just fine.