Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 108

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

One time, I was trying to get on a plane. They wouldn’t let me. They said I was too drunk to get on a plane. You know how wasted you have to be for someone to say, “Sir, you’re just too drunk to sit in a seat.”

Pepper spray is a woman’s go-to weapon of choice, it even comes in different strengths in case you’re only semi-serious about not getting raped. If you were truly nervous about your safety, you’d carry a gun, not a spice. Bullets travel a lot faster than mist. What predator’s gonna wait while you rummage through your purse to find a tube of Tabasco sauce? You can’t even find your phone in there when it’s ringing and vibrating. Nothing’s more embarrassing than being the girl who always has pepper spray but never has to use it. May as well leave your weapons at home cause the cat knitted on your sweater does the job just fine.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

You’re so beautiful like a tree or a high class prostitute.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?