Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1098

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.