Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1098

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"