Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1097
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
I'm sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.