Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1097

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.