Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1097

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

He who hesitates is probably right.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Most stick people are black.

[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.