Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1097
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”
I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.