Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1099

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

We women have to stick together.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".

Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.