Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1099
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.
Here's a guy who's never faced combat or anything in his life - or really had a tough day - and he's like, 'Bring it on,' I love that. He's like, 'Ya got a problem? Bring it on. Over there. In Iraq. Where the troops are.'
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.