Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1099

You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.