Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1100
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.
I'm sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.