Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1100
She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.
You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.