Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1100
Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.
You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.
Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...
A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'
[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"