Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1100
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.
I'm sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'