Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1106
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.