Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1106

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"

Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.

I'm sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!

You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!