Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1106

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

The prospect of an interest-rate-hike lifeline for the currency has become even more remote. The coming week will be the most important for the currency of any in the next three months.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.