Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1106
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
"The times they are a changin" mostly for those who need it least.
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.
You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.