Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1107

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.