Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1107
You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.