Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1107
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80’s
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.