Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1107
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
You might be a redneck if you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The kind of people that say “political correctness gone mad” are usually using that phrase as a kind of cover action to attack minorities or people that they disagree with. [...] And I’m sick, I’m really sick– 84% of you in this room that have agreed with this phrase, you’re like those people who turn around and go, “you know who the most oppressed minorities in Britain are? White, middle-class men.” You’re a bunch of idiots.
Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.
You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.