Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1105
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...
Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.
Here's a guy who's never faced combat or anything in his life - or really had a tough day - and he's like, 'Bring it on,' I love that. He's like, 'Ya got a problem? Bring it on. Over there. In Iraq. Where the troops are.'
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?