Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1105

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

"Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?"

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.