Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1105

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.