Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1105

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.