Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1108

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".

I could never do what Tiger Woods did...I fucking hate golf!

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Just woke up after a nightmare only to reaiize it is far safer asleep than me making breakfast and always paranoid about poisoning myself.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.