Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1108
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.
Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.