Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1108

You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

Stand by your bed and salute me.