Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1108

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!