Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 111
My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, "Dom, I think that waitress knows me." "What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?"
I was having lunch with my friend. I said, 'Hey, what's your middle name.' He said, 'I have two middle names.' I said, 'Then you have no middle names. You have a space.'
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
It`s the little things that count when you`re a daddy. Like taking your little girl for ice cream. First, you have to teach her about the concept of gravity. I can`t tell you how many ice creams I`ve had to pick up off the floor, rinse off and stick back on my kid`s cone. Now that may sound strange, but have you bought ice cream lately? Good gosh, it`s up to 75 cents a scoop. A scoop! What`s in it, gold?
Now the freaks are on television, the freaks are in the movies. And it's no longer the sideshow, it's the whole show. The colorful circus and the clowns and the elephants, for all intents and purposes, are gone, and we're dealing only with the freaks.
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
We have blacks and whites, Jews and Arabs, Serbs and Croats, and Filipinos and Vietnamese here. At the end of the day, everyone is each other's brother.
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.