Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 111
Now the freaks are on television, the freaks are in the movies. And it's no longer the sideshow, it's the whole show. The colorful circus and the clowns and the elephants, for all intents and purposes, are gone, and we're dealing only with the freaks.
You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.
Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.
Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.
The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.