Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 112
It`s the little things that count when you`re a daddy. Like taking your little girl for ice cream. First, you have to teach her about the concept of gravity. I can`t tell you how many ice creams I`ve had to pick up off the floor, rinse off and stick back on my kid`s cone. Now that may sound strange, but have you bought ice cream lately? Good gosh, it`s up to 75 cents a scoop. A scoop! What`s in it, gold?
I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.
Obviously the audience has veto power signified by whether they laugh or not, but you-not them-retain the ultimate power to decide what they’re going to get the opportunity to laugh at.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
Our desire was to be annexed into one of the villages of Columbia, but it didn't turn out that way.
For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'
Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.