Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 112

The war is over. The Nerds have won. This was no accident.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?'

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

Now the freaks are on television, the freaks are in the movies. And it's no longer the sideshow, it's the whole show. The colorful circus and the clowns and the elephants, for all intents and purposes, are gone, and we're dealing only with the freaks.

My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80!

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It’s surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.

The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.