Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 112

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I found a grey hair in my beard the other day, and that can mean one of two things. I'm either getting old or I'm a fucking wizard!

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here... is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors... you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn't be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard... what are they thinking? "Oh, they'll be fine."

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?'

This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.