Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116

Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.

I get so into the moment.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

I remember white dudes used to come down to the whorehouse. “Do you have any girls who cover you with ice cream?... And little boys to lick it off?” He was the mayor.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book.

Quite a nasty piece of work. Not the sort of person you'd want to have dinner with.

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'