Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'
Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"
You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.