Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.