Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.