Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.