Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

You look like a horse in a man costume

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

I'm here for a friend. I brought a couple of boxes of chocolate Jell-O.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.

This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.