Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125
On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
And I was like, “Um, yeah, I am.” I have no idea why though. I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kind of look like me are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.”
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'
One in the morning, you have people waiting for a booth to open at a Waffle House.