Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

One in the morning, you have people waiting for a booth to open at a Waffle House.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

The inner child runs rampant. They're just smaller, that's all.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.

I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.

I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.