Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.

When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

First of all, I'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.