Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1124

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.