Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1124

Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

"Oh look, she smiled at me!" It's because you shit your pants.

Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'