Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1124
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'
The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."
Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, "Oh, I love your show." And I’m like, "You can’t love my show if you can hear."
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.