Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1131
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.
[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.