Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1131
Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You'll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheiney is drinking water, check that shit out.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.
They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.