Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1135
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?
I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.
I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.
I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.
I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'