Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1135

A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.

This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

I don't believe that competitions are important.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I've never said flange to a monkey!

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.