Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1135

"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.