Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1136

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

I'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.