Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1136
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going - "er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"
You might be a redneck if you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba."
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?<br /> My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
If you hug someone goodbye and their response is "what the hell are you doing?" - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.