Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1136
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
People are evacuating every day, right? Evacuating used to be a big deal. Now, it's like jury duty. Like, 'Great, gotta evacuate. You gonna go?' 'Nah, I'll see if I can get out of it.'
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.