Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1136

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

He plays just like a union man. He negotiates the final score.