Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1137
I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
Two words no woman should ever have to hear: Triple Mastectomy.
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.