Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1137
I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.
Can anyone lead us? Someone with integrity, truth, fire? Someone to create peace and unite us? God, I just described Bono and SpongeBob. We're fucked.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."
Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you’re new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.
How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.
I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.