Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1137

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

He plays just like a union man. He negotiates the final score.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

The speed of time is one second per second.

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.

Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.