Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1138

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

You might be a redneck if you fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.