Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1138

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

I knew she was Nigerian because everytime she looked at me and was like "I don't know what to order" Well look at the menu!

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.