Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1139

What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."

Do fish get cramps after eating?

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 80 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

You look like a horse in a man costume

The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”