Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1139

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.

You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.

You might be a redneck if you own a homemade fur coat.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.

I'm here for a friend. I brought a couple of boxes of chocolate Jell-O.

You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.