Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1140
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.
There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.
No one smart is having a toilet baby. It’s never like ‘Darling you’ll never guess what has come out of my vagina’