Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1140

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

I'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.