Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1140

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.

She just gave blood and she's still got enough to fill up her face.

[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.