Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1141

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people, they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like, “Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard.”

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

The prospect of an interest-rate-hike lifeline for the currency has become even more remote. The coming week will be the most important for the currency of any in the next three months.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I recently read an interview in Rolling Stone, where he advocated that people should not do drugs, KEITH RICHARDS said that we should not do drugs. Keith, we can't do anymore drugs, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FUCKIN' DID THEM ALL! There's none left, we have to wait until you die so we can smoke you're ashes, alright!

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.