Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1141
Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...
The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats!
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.