Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1141
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
No one smart is having a toilet baby. It’s never like ‘Darling you’ll never guess what has come out of my vagina’
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?