Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1141
There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.
I knew she was Nigerian because everytime she looked at me and was like "I don't know what to order" Well look at the menu!
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.
Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!
That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"
Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
You might be a redneck if you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.