Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1148
Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.
I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.
We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.