Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1148

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

I knew she was Nigerian because everytime she looked at me and was like "I don't know what to order" Well look at the menu!

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You might be a redneck if you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.