Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1148
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.