Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1152

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.