Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1152

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

You might be a redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

I get so into the moment.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?

Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.

You might be a redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

Don't take death for granted.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.