Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1152

I've tried everything. I've done therapy, I've done colonics. I went to a psychic who had me running around town buying pieces of ribbon to fill the colors in my aura. Did the Prozac thing.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I wanted to be a rock star.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.