Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1152

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

I used to hate these haters, now its just the opposite

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.