Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1153
And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.
Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
[On George W. Bush] He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.