Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1153

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

He's the badass of the group - like if they get into some kind of Scooby-Doo scrape, he's the one that's gonna get them out.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

No one is immune from being a target.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

I knew she was Nigerian because everytime she looked at me and was like "I don't know what to order" Well look at the menu!