Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1154
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, "I can't commit to that, sorry!"