Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1154

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

I feel bad for people who've never been addicted to anything. Cause they're the real losers. You wanna know why? Cause they don't know what it's like to really want something. And get it. Again and again and again, until they're sick and have to stop. That's passion.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you’re new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.

You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.

The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.