Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155
In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
You have to have a lot more dedication to what I'll call 'the machine,' ... I have 20 percent dedication. What's needed is 110 percent. You can't have it with the level of apathy I have.
The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.