Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
You might be a redneck if you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.