Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.