Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.
A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.