Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1156
When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.