Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1156

You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

You have to have a lot more dedication to what I'll call 'the machine,' ... I have 20 percent dedication. What's needed is 110 percent. You can't have it with the level of apathy I have.

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.