Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1156
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.
If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.