Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1156

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.

This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.