Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 116
The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' - they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'
So I try not to look too far into the future because I think that everything happens and will happen for a reason.
I have no desire to be hip to the latest black slang and do the stereotypical black thing. I was a Richard Pryor fan, and I have used profanity in my act. But when it becomes a whole thing that defines blacks, we're limiting ourselves. The enemy is us.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
I really respect peple who try. People who say, "No, I’m actually going to do the best I can." That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet – backwards. "Well, shit, you got me. I'm not drunk, but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it."
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.