Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 116
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'
Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.
Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.
They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.