Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 115

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

Golf is a lot like stand-up comedy. You have to suck to get good in the long run and I have always loved a challenge like that. The shoes are funny and always keep me laughing, especially when I suck extra hard!

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? "Hey you look... great?"

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.

Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"

I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.

Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They're blowing shit up, getting things done. I'm walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.