Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 115
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.
They're not very good at naming Popes as well. They had a run of Piuses, it went like Hollywood, they had Pope Pius the first, the second, Pope Pius the third "The revenge of Pope Pius". Pope Pius the fourth, "This time he's pissed off." Pope Pius the fifth in 3D!
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher.
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
Moses, who said when he came out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never got a dinner!
Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.
Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.'
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? "Hey you look... great?"
When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place!
All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.