Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 117

I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."

We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'

Stan Musial, who said, "Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal." Never got a dinner!

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s... because you are going to die alone.

The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.