Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 117
I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.
Comedy today is definitely skewed to the filthy side, but it’s not as hard today as I am more mature as a comedian and a person. I’m a grown up now doing a kid’s job. Being a more mature Christian these days makes it easier than when I first started. Now I get to do shows of my choosing and a lot of folks attending the shows know my work and expect a clean show.
All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.
You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.
Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
She's stirring the Yankee Bean Soup – which will cause many absences in the afternoon. It's government surplus, stuff that India rejected, and sent back. Powdered eggs, khaki fish – forget it.
The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.
The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.
I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.'
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place!
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.
I’m Jewish… We’re a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.