Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1169

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

Well, I think "likability" is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.