Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1169
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!
Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.