Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

I wanted to be a rock star.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

You might be a redneck if you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I'm very in love, but I'm not going to jump up and down on your couch. I'm sorry.

I don't think you can know God unless you're passionate about him so you're either screaming at him, enraptured with the idea of being around him or feeling him in your life.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.