Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

George Bush hates midgets.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot."

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."