Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.
My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.
Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.