Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Well, I think "likability" is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.