Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!"

I invented the cordless extension cord.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.