Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168
There's a kind of racism in the south that is really so steadfast and true that I almost kind of begrudgingly, you know, admire it in a way, and that is that there are segregated graveyards. That just to me defies all logic...but it's also, like, "Well, hats off...you're going to stick to your guns on that one, and take that shit to the grave? All right!" There's enough people to go, "Naw, man..ugh, I don't even wanna think about it. My dead, lifeless, rotting, maggot-infested corpse...next to some black man's? Ewww!!! That's gross!" But that does pose an interesting scenario, because, what's going to happen when the zombies rise out of their graves? ... "We must take over the human race-- wait, what were you?" "I'm black." "Fuck you, nigger, you can't come." "What? No! But I'm a skeleton, you can't tell!" "Fuck youuu..."
You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.
Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"
How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.