Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168
Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".
If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.
You might be a redneck if your back porch is bigger than your house.
I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.
When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.
You might be a redneck if you list your parole officer as a reference.