Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168
Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
You might be a redneck if you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
You have to have a lot more dedication to what I'll call 'the machine,' ... I have 20 percent dedication. What's needed is 110 percent. You can't have it with the level of apathy I have.
When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.