Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1184

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

If you think the French Riviera is foreign car, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I'm Rick James, bitch.