Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1184

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.

I don't think you can know God unless you're passionate about him so you're either screaming at him, enraptured with the idea of being around him or feeling him in your life.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.