Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1184
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”
If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.
In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.